I CAN MOONWALK!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
