I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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