Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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