I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
