so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Less talking, more tequila
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
