Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
