Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
