Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
