You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
