After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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