My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
