I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
