im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
