I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
