Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
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