Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i came on her dog
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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