You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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