Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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