it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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