I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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