I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
