I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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