so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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