I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My ass is underappreciated
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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