Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
