Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
