I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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