He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
