life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just threw up on my dentist
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
