Sry I called you an 8
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
