Who wears a wallet chain?!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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