My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
