shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
