I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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