I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
