Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
