she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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