Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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