he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
