i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
