I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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