I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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