Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
