Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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