chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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