i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
