I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
