Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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