Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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