yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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