I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i think i just lost a toe
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
